restless..

Great to know how I actually got myself stuck with
problems in one day. How I got myself stuck with the
phrase no one understands me.

Sometimes I wonder if leaving everything behind and
walk away from problems will make things better.
No, it won't. I will have to explain. Explainations.
Suck.

I so want to go out and drive up to the highest hill
and lie down. Perhaps the stars above me would listen
to my sighs and problems. Perhaps picking up a stone
next to me and talking to it makes me feel better.
Everywhere in me is like blocked. I breathed hard every
after one minute. All I can do is to listen to the same
song repeatitively to make myself feel better.

I understand why when people say leave me alone helps.
It doesn't help at times. Like now. I have no one to talk to.
No one to listen to me. Worse of all, I don't even feel like
talking after reading some messages. Sometimes people tends
to write stuff that hurts without realising. Do I go up to
them and say, "Hey, you just hurt me with your words just
now" - Do you think they care? No. Everyone has to live with
their own reasons. Including me. Yeah, maybe I don't own the
whole world when I'm in a dilemma.

Neither do you.

Come to think of it. All my mistakes leads to only one
conclusion and there's no turning back. I just have to
live with it and listen to words and examples that hurts.
Why must it be that group of friends? Why can't it be
other groups? Why must that group always be the main
examples? Why, why, WHY?!

Instead of driving out and expose myself to risks of
having to step hard on the accelerator. I choose to blog.
It's like talking to the wall. Just that your fingers
doing the work. And you get to read and read and think.
What have I done wrong? I don't even deserve a chance to
make it up to anyone! I have to deal with problems inside
and outside the family. Don't I deserve a choice to choose
not to discuss anything, yet?! I have to suck up to all the
problems and dilemmas that I'm having all by myself. Yes,
I chose that. All I get in return is a few lines of
hit-directly-to-the-heart words. Great.

Thank you very much. Maybe I deserve all these. I even chose
to face them alone instead of taking you along. Yeah, maybe
no one understands me. No one. Not even you. I'm just mad.
Mad at what? Myself? Yeah, maybe. I don't mean to offend
anyone. But who am I supposed to turn to?!

No one. Out of the sudden I feel like I'm the only one
left in this world. Together with melodies that flows in me.
Trying to calm me down. Breathing hard in hopes that the
dilemmas would just leave..

I feel.. restless..